It's a long read I'm sorry
But it's the truth for all who want to read

Where do I start?
I try my best
I really do try as hard as I can
At everything
I try not to fail
I try not to disappoint
I try to support
I try to give
I try to listen
I try to improve

I love you guys
My brothers and sisters
I try and give you support
All I want to see is you grow with Christ
If there’s anything you need, I will try my best to help you
When you feel alone, you can count on me to be standing next to you
You feel pain, I feel pain
When you cry, I cry
When you're happy, it overflows in me

I know these are just words
But you have no idea how much it means to me
I had a few rough months and it feels like you've been taken away from me
I know this might only be for a few months
You have no idea how much it hurts still
But all I can do is live with it
See what God has set for me

I'll be honest with you right now
Nothing hurts me more to see you struggle
People say to lead and give advice, you shouldn't get too attached to the problem
If you do, you can end up lost yourself
I'm sorry, I can't do that
Everything that hurts you, I feel as much
It's the person I am
It's my nature
I care

Helping others isn't something I do to gain from
I don't look for a reward
I don't do it to make myself feel happy
Not because I'm told to
I do it because I care for you
More than I care for myself
I make time to listen and support you
Sometimes dropping my own needs and opportunities
I know this is bad for me
If I don't care for myself I’ll be a mess
You don't understand
It's who I am
It's not something small that I can change

But because of this
Sometimes I'm the one who needs help
I know you guys are there for me
But please understand that I don't want to burden you with my struggles
I don't want you to experience the pain and suffering that I have gone through
That’s the last thing I want to put you through
That’s why I help you, so you don't make the same mistakes I made in life
I often find myself struggling on my own
I usually find the answer and learn from it
But sometimes it's too much
And I cry out in pain
None of you see this
I don't want you to

I always get told I can do better
I SHOULD do better in school
It's not like I don't care
No matter how hard I tried
It just wouldn't sink in
Of course I’m upset with myself
I let myself down
I let my parents down
I was so angry at myself
When no one is around I just cry and scream in anger
It's not like I don't think about my future
Every option runs through my head
What if I fail?
What can I do?
I'm so scared of what will happen
I don't need telling to think about my future
Trust me, I’ve thought about it!
I know it's important!
It frustrates me when people tell me to think about my future
Get myself sorted
I am thinking about it!
It never leaves my mind

Ever since I got my part time job
I knew what it was like to have more money
Not just saving up Birthday money and Christmas money for the year
Like we all used to do
I started to pay for myself, buy my own clothes, food and travel
My parents didn't need to buy me anything anymore
I wanted to pay for myself, so they wouldn't have to
To say thank you, so they can have the extra money
But quite quickly, I started spending my money on others
Yes, I'm a bit older than the rest of you and so I have a bit more money
It became a habit, my money would be spent on you
Going out to eat as a group, making sure everyone was happy
Paying some extra money to make up the bill
Being fair to people, making everyone spend the same
And I would cover the rest
You could say I felt I had to, being the older brother
But nothing ordered me to
I sometimes buy stuff to make you happy
But it has its prices
It means I can't always get things that I want
Sometimes I lose out on extra money organising things
But someone has to do it? I just want everyone to hang out and have fun
If I have to sacrifice a little more of my money and time
So be it
I guess you could say I’m sacrificing my car fund
Yes...it's been like 2 years since I passed my test
Still haven't got a car
It's not my fault
It's not the most important thing for me to spend my money on

I guess I spent the most money on someone special to me
I didn't have to
Wasn't asked to
But it made me happy to see that smile
To pay for her food
Events
Clothes
Random presents
I wanted to make her feel special
Because she deserves it
I didn't care what it was
She would come first on my priority list
Anything she needed
Company
Time
Didn't have to ask
I would be there to support and to guide
Always protecting and always loving
All I did was put her first before me
She didn't ask for any of this
I know
I just want her to be happy
Nothing wrong with that
If I have to take a step back because that’s what’s best
I will do
All I can do is be there for you, whenever and if you need it

All of this runs through my mind 24/7
It never stops
Sometimes I’m just misunderstood
Sometimes I get it wrong and end up hurting people
I'm sorry
Everybody makes mistakes
It's part of being human
I try my hardest
I sometimes fail
I sometimes panic
Sometimes I feel alone
My whole life is dedicated to others
It's the way I am

Even when I have the greatest intentions
When I want the best for you
Not about me, just the best for you
Everything just falls flat on its face
I get let down
Everything doesn’t work out for me
I just don't know what I’ve done wrong to deserve everything I’m going through
I try my best
I give my all
I seek nothing but the best for you all
Yet I get punished
Everything gets taken away from me
Friendships/relationships/school/money
I'm just misunderstood

I know that God is always by my side
He always gives me strength to stand up
He gives me answers
Gives me courage to try again
Gives me security to leave my comfort zone
Gives me warmth and shelter from evil

But any human will still find it hard
Will struggle though the lows of life
At this moment in time
I can honestly say
It's hard to carry on

I HATE LIES
Simple

Everyone has told their fair share of lies
Especially when young
As kids we think we can get away with things if we lie
And it works xD
However these lies are over small things
Like when your mum asks if you had the last piece of cake
Or if you knocked over the drink
We’ve all done it....cheeky kids
It’s all good fun and even your parents laugh at your lies
It’s cute

When we grow up, we're still used to telling lies in sticky situations
Since we told them as a kid, its natural we continue
To get away from telling the truth
Maybe to cover up what you've done
To prevent someone from pain possibly
Sometimes it still works

However when something is important
You can't cover it up with a lie
The truth always comes out
I find that as people grow older
You can see straight through the lies
What's the point? Honestly
What's so bad about telling the truth?
It hurts a lot less if you tell the truth
Instead of the other person finding out you lied to their face

The only reason you lie to people
Is because you're ashamed of whatever you're covering up
If you have to lie, you probably shouldn’t have done it
Otherwise why not tell the truth?
Afraid that people will judge you?
Truth is the truth, you did it
You can't change it
I just don't understand the need for it
The world would be a better place
Friendships would be better
Relationships
It would stop arguments
Stop the pain

It really isn’t worth telling a lie
Some people tell lies constantly
Till their lives become a lie
What is true?
If you can't tell the truth
How do you expect the ones closest to you to trust you?
You will never have a full relationship or friendship
Till you tell the truth

When you tell the truth
No matter what it is
You will find out who accepts you for who you are
No matter how embarrassing the truth is
No matter how ashamed of it you are
No matter how much it hurts someone else
A true friend will always accept you
Those are the friends worth keeping

No matter what the truth is
I, will accept you
No matter how much the truth hurts me
No matter what the truth might mean
If it makes me angry or sad
I will forgive you
You don't even need to ask for forgiveness
You have it
For you told me the truth
And I accept you for everything you are
Do you understand?
As long as it's the truth, I won't get angry
Because telling the truth means you trust me
The truth
Is all I want

What are we scared of?
Is it the first day of school or university and you know absolutely no one?
Or walking into a job interview?
Scared of heights maybe? That roller coaster ride just looks impossible for you?
Scared of results day?
Speaking in public or to a large group?
Or are you scared of rejection?
Scared of what people might think of you
Scared to share your feelings?
Scared to take a chance?

Perhaps we get scared because we don't know what will happen
The future is unknown and every possible outcome runs through our head
Mostly the bad ones
Suddenly you sink and fear the worst
You feel alone and defeated
Before you even try you’ve given up inside your head
Felt like this before?
I know I have

So how do we overcome all this I hear you ask?
It's simple
Courage
If you're thinking "that’s not simple!!"
Hear me out

Courage gives us strength to fight against fear
It's bravery, boldness, fearlessness...
it's the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation
It's not something only a few people have
We all have it

If you truly want to be happy
If you want to conquer your fear
Believe in yourself and use that courage inside you
Sometimes courage makes us to amazing things
Things that you thought you could never do
Courage pushes our boundaries, locks out the fear
Nothing can stop you now

You ever seen a quiet friend just suddenly speak out loud?
Or made a stand against something they didn't agree on?
Courage made them do that
Once you use it, it’s not a strange thing anymore
You find that there's no harm in trying
What's the worst that can happen?
Ok so maybe it doesn’t work first time...
But we try again
We don't let fear control us

Ok cheesy bit >_<
It's one thing to love someone
To act on it and show it is another matter
Even if everyone is against me, even if you reject it
I won't stop loving you
Courage gives me the strength to carry on
To carry on even if the world laughs at me
I don't care who reads this
I have the courage to speak out loud and admit my feelings
I know it’s not the best time right now
So I'm taking a step back, be a normal friend
Always supporting and caring
But I will wait, even if I might be waiting for nothing
It was there before, we were happy so I know it’s possible
Many of you will read and think it's pathetic
But I don't care
I'm standing here with all the courage I need
To wait, and believe everything will be ok
With God by my side

In the morning, you're the first thing I think about

Laughing and smiling with you is the best feeling in the world
Only you can bring a smile to my face, no matter what, when and where
Vent your anger on me, I deserve the pain and suffering more than you
Every hug you give me, I cherish and treasure forever

You make me happy, more than you can imagine
Only you can make me feel this way
Under my protection, I won't let anything hurt you

Let her talk to her friends
Even if its guys
I know you get worried
But she doesn't like it when you doubt her
Trust her

Don't get jealous or angry if she talks to guys while you're with her
She tells you stuff she doesn’t tell others
So don't worry, your connection is stronger

Give her space
You don’t control her life just because you're her bf
No need to flood her with texts or know what she's doing 24/7
She wants freedom and doesn’t like it when you crowd her too much

If she tells you something....she means it
Otherwise she wouldn’t tell you

Pay for her, pamper her
Even though she might not show it
She feels loved, cherished and special

We miss them all the time
So tell her once in a while.
It makes her smile

If you make fun of her or be mean to her as a joke
Don't take it too far
Apologise and give her a hug

When she looks upset and you ask her what’s wrong
If she doesn’t want to tell you, don't ask again
Let her tell you in her own time if she wants to
Just be there for her and give her plenty of hugs

Every now and then
Kiss her on the cheek
It’s soft, it doesn’t embarrass her in public like a kiss on the lips does

Keep her warm
Put her before yourself
We can get ill, it’s ok
It's our duty to look out for her

Protect her
Make her feel safe
Take the pain for her if possible
Seeing her in pain hurts more than taking it for her

Be prepared to do embarrassing things
So she doesn’t have to
She can be shy, you have to be bold

Sometimes she wants to see you but is too shy to ask
You want to see her too
Take the initiative and ask her
Make the first step, be confident

Don't flirt around with other girls
It might be a friendly hug or a connection
But girls can be jealous and worried too

If it happens and you realise you just flirted
ALWAYS go back to her
Let her know she's the only one for you with a long hug
Even if she has no idea why you just hugged her
Tell her you love her

Treat her with respect.
She deserves it.